The End

*copy-pasted form my wordpress blog*


Last Tuesday, I decided to kill my self with work since I wanna bury myself of something else rather than burying myself with thoughts that I can't answer. But then, we had to rush everything and finish all of it before lunch so the plan of killing myself didn't work and what was more was that it was ended so soon! Really, whenever I'm thinking of something silly the situation or flow of events will suddenly turn against it, and then I will be saved from my awful self. I know that this is God's doing -that He always saves me and gives me guidance. Then after realizing this, I sometimes put a silly smile of relief on my face and think of Him. But you see, sometimes I can be pretty stubborn.

I tried to tell my trusted friend a problem I had but for what ever reason, we can't have a good conversation about it. And I find it sad that I'm going to blog about it instead.
So, the problem is this: I have a friend who fell in love with a type of guy I hate. My friend fell for him because he acts like a boyfriend -or, half-boyfriend, rather. Because he's so sweet in his text messages for her and he even text everything what is happening in his day of life and meddle with her day of life like, asking her where she is, who she's with etc. -what a normal friend wouldn't do. To me and to us (me and my friend and everyone she asked opinion of), this is more than a friend thing. And when he buy stuff or go to the mall, he would invite her or "ask her out" even if the reason is buying a gift for the girl she likes. Then my friend would go.... This thing is already a "date", right?

My friend confessed her feelings for him and of course he said that she's just a friend. My friend understands that a lot but he wouldn't stop of what he's doing. Why? And my friend would just go along with it. I felt a bit mad to my friend because of this. Don't he realize that he is causing her pain? He is so selfish for just satisfying what he wants and not think of what she'll feel. I HATE YOU AND THE LIKES OF YOU. And to think that we showed you kindness when you have a problem. SCREW YOU! I hope you find your lesson in a hard way. I'm pretty sure that when the girl you like (if you still like her) finds this out she will have a different point of view for you.

For all this kind of persons (boys or girls); really, what do you think of your selves? SPECIAL? Be more responsible for crying out loud.

Now this is my problem. When I see things I don't like I hate it to the bottom of my heart, even hating other people who are like them. There are times that I wanna do or say things to those kinds of people that would kill something from them. There are times that sometimes when I see that hermaphrodite's face I wanna punch it.

This is my problem and I wanna solve it. But I really don't know. I really want this to tell to my friends  but it seems like that there's no time or right time for saying my problem. Maybe this is a one kind that even friends can't help you with. I don't wanna hate to this point anymore.

That's why, till I can say this, even to this blog, I'll say sorry. Sorry that I felt hatred to you and to the likes of you.

Sometimes, I want to put myself in everything I hate and just digest the sight of those. And worst; sometimes, I want to do the things that a person I hate does... that's becoming a person I hate which happened to me a long time ago -that took me so much time to forgive my self. So that... so that I would understand something that I don't understand -something I hate. So that, I wouldn't hate this much. So that, I wouldn't judge anything.

I hate myself for judging people. Yes, I gotta admit this to myself so that I can cure this. That, though I ignore things I observe, I still leave something in my mind -things that judge them. So, this will be one of my solutions.

There are things that I will be now:
- I will stop expecting something in return for the kindness and other things you showed for the people you care. I will stop expecting something from friends. I've been hurt by some of them recently because I felt that I was nobody.

- I will kill the hope of meeting someone like me. I always thought that if I could meet someone who's just like me then I wouldn't feel alone. Because we will have some common thoughts that I think I only have. That we will have same principals in life... But like I always say; there's no one like yourself.

I dunno if this are good decisions but I feel like my ghost has finally catch up on me, and I embraced her with open arms.

I don't like the thought that I'm blogging this things right now rather than telling these to someone you trust. It's silly, that sometimes I think that He wanted me to blog things (or say it out loud online) that who would care? If only God can reply or email me answers... Sorry that I find hard to see your replies to me since I think that you need to have an open heart for you the hear His words. I'm sorry that I find it hard to trust things that can't be explained by logic. I always feel that I'm chasing something I don't know, that it is the reason for not giving up to my ghost and zombies who are chasing me. Sorry that I fail you, Father.

This will be my last entry for something this personal. If things became unbearable to me then I might blog it to my super-secret-but-not blogspot. -My closed box. Yeah, I'll just use my wordpress blog to something else.

This will be the last.
This is the end of my hope (I'm tired, I give up).

This is the end of me.

Goodbye.

Encounter with a Stranger: Her Strength

     I was on my way to work for a half-day. I thought that I don't have any leaves left but, what the heck, I don't care. I was in a jeepney (if only I can skip jeepney rides..) and the old lady who was seating opposite of me, asked me where will I have my stop. I was planning to buy myself some food in a mall since I haven't taken my lunch yet, so I named the mall as my stop. She said that she was heading the same way and I said, ooh, ok. I didn't know why should I care and then she started telling her little adventure. I was like, huh??? Was there something that was sticking behind my back that says "I solve problems" or "You can tell me your problems"?

     No, I didn't expect another love story from the gandma but I expected some hardship story and I was right. She came from a far away province and that she wanted to visit her daughter. I think it was her only daughter and only family left, but she didn't find her. She already asked the local brgy./munincipal's help but they have nothing in their record of residences. She said that she don't have any money for traveling for her to get home and I dunno how much she needs and I don't know if I can help in that part (-.-). Granny.... why did you go here without any money for returning home? Didn't you think that there's a possibility of failure in finding your daughter? Or, why did you came here alone??

     Anyway, I can listen and ignore (since the surrounding was noisy anyway). I didn't want to look into her eyes though, I always look or sometimes stares (unintendedly) at the eyes of the person I'm talking to or listening to. Because I know that I'll see some tears there. But then, I told myself "If I see, even a little tear in her eyes, I'll see if that tear is real and if it is then, her story is real." So I looked at her and saw those, seems to me, real tears. *Sigh* Maybe she just wanted somebody to talk to? So I asked some questions, made some suggestion and surprisingly, she already did all those things too, which means, for an alone old lady, she wasn't discouraged so easily.

     And here I was thinking of just giving up -life maybe? I'm in my era of 'not-knowing-what-you-wanna-be/to-do' -again, and even the 'love-hating', again. What the? is this a re-take? I fluked these exams long ago and if this is a re-take of it then I won't fail - I don't wanna. Though, it seems to me that I stopped dreaming, I won't stop believing in Him. I can call Him. It's good that I got to meet these random people. These two people, they already won over to the things I lose to.

     So I checked my coinpurse and wallet... It seemed that a breeze of air that said "empty" pass through my face. It was my and the granny's stop. She went down first. I decided to just split this already unbudgeted money I have (ah, what about lunch?). I asked someone there to have a change with me for smaller bills. I looked for the granny and luckily, I spotted her (heh, I know I'll spot her). I ran toward her and gave her the money. She didn't want to take it at first because she said that she wasn't begging for it but I insisted and that atleast she could eat for that day. She wanted to look for a job, or a house job to be exact. I seriously thought of having her as our helper but while she was telling me that she tried to apply as a maid, all those applications were rejected because she's too old for the job, and I said to myself "Oh, yeah...it's a good thing that I didn't tell her my thought first." I told her to come inside tha mall and look for a job there. She said that she's scared that the guard wouldn't let her in (huh?). She said that before, she was going to a mall and that she wasn't allowed to enter. The guard there told her that they do not let beggars in.Well, I beg your pardon???? She is clearly not a beggar! she is correctly dressed and doesn't stink! She may look like very poor but this granny has the honor of having her head held high because of her strength!

     She was going away now and I didn't want myself to look at her until she's gone at my sight. I'm sorry that this is all I could do and that I still want to not get involve in this. But surely, the two strangers I met where in my heart and mind. I would want to meet this old lady again and I would want to see that she is reunited with her only family. I would want to know if the lady I met in the church has her heart settled and that there would be no "bone-breaking" to do. Tch, these people are selfish, they left me behind in their misery. But they sometimes make me smile and I know that they are alright.

Encounter with a Stranger: Her Love

     Weeks ago, I was in our church with my sis to attend a bible study. After the study, my sis, went outside and I stayed at the back row. I was contemplating and I would have prayed then when suddenly:"Ui, alam mo....*blah,blah,blah*" ("Hey, you know what...*blah,blah,blah*"), I was silently shocked when the lady beside me (I didn't even noticed that she was there) talked to me and started telling her confusing love life. In my mind I was like, what? why me of all people????? I'm an NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth) and I'm not romantically involve in anyone! So, how can I be of help to her? She thought, that teens can relate to her situation...I'm 22...

     She told me that she really don't know what the guy and her status is, and that, she was so confused and was so damn worried about the guy since he was been sent to a far away place due to work. I didn't want to really give something to say and get involve in some way with her because, in my mind she's a stranger and that I don't need to get involve so, I was just intending to listen since some problematic people just need to throw their stress away by telling it. But since I already listened and knew, I couldn't help myself to throw some bomb on her.

     I told her to not fully trust the guy. What? after flirting with her or he was just being so close and sweet, he just gets off without any confirmation nor closure with what was really it??? Some may say that I shouldn't had judged the guy with just that. Yes, I agree to that, but trust to me is like everything, that's why I told her not to give her full trust. So that, when the worst case scenario comes, she'll not be too hurt, well, atleast -that is (hmm... I didn't tell her this, *tsk*). Some may say that I shouldn't be like this since I dunno the guy. Yes, I dunno the guy and I have to balance things, so I said some possibilities to why he is not answering his phone nor replying to sms, nor contacting her (guilty, here^^;). The guy was assigned to Basilan, a place to be not in, in my country. I told her that it might be due to his work or he lost his phone or something. I even told her the possibility of an accident or being dead... hehe :p. I didn't tell the dead part directly though.

     I'm an observer whether I like it or not, and I'm saying that this kind of occurance is what I usually see, all the more when I was a student. It's so ugly that I don't want to get near these kind of stuffs. The stuffs when the two of you are so sweet; the flirting stuffs and stupid things, but you're not in a relationship. I don't want to become like them. That's why, when I was a student, I had promised to myself that: 1) I won't have a bf (nor entertain it)until I graduate, 2) he must be in the same religion, and 3) who'll be my first shall be my last. And that's how I shielded and shields myself (I already passed no.1). Most of my friends, aah.. actually, I think all (-.-), tells me that the last one is not realistic. I know, and I admit that I'm the last fool who believes in that. So, that 3rd promise can be broken but I will NEVER break the 2nd one. I can dissappoint and hurt myself but I will NOT dissappoint and hurt God.

     As far as I remember, the last time I was alone with a guy was because he was my thesis partner and that we were having our meeting. The guy friend I have in my office now, that I can categorize as "close", is gay. So you might say that I lack of some social life with guys and I lack the understanding of them that I might be a one-sided advisor. Honestly, I got really angry at the guy easily. I had thought that he was one of those jerk-type. He was irresponsible and selfish. But I know that I was fair with my advice and I had used logic instead of instinct. And, no, I'm not a man-hater just a jerk-hater (>,>).

     After all what I had said, the lady was still saying some same things and that, at that time, she was showing her teary eyes. She was showing this to me... why was she showing her weakness to me? I'm a stranger. So, I felt like that I have to have a second look and asked again how long has this situation been going on. And she answered.... "about 1 week or so.."....Pfff--!!! what the heck? So, I wasn't listening good(^_^;).

     In the end, I supported her in doing what she was doing, which is to not stop contacting him and not give up on him -yet and pray. And I think, that those were the only words that she had heard in our entire conversation... She said that she doesn't care if the guy played with her, if the guy already has a family and played with her, if the guy only got the money from her and played with her. She is 36 (if not 37) years old and that she really don't mind ending up alone, she just want a closure and to know that he is safe. To some she may be stupid but, to me she showed me her love that was really beautiful. Her love went beyond trust and showed me faith... Indeed, love is faith, like how God is love. I had forgotten about that. I was in the edge of forgetting it's wonderful and beautiful side because I only see how ugly and stupid love is. She was the one who really did the helping, not me who she thought that gave her advise. I guess, she only wanted to have someone to say to her to not stop in doing what she has her faith in.

     So, to the guy she's inlove with, I ask you not to hurt her and break her heart or else I'll break your bones, pull you liver out and fed it to the janitor-fishes. Liver, because your heart will not be good to the animals' health. Same goes to those kind of guys out there! Murdering you pshycologiclly and then physically shall be expected!

The Zombie in Me

I had a dream that I was being chased by zombies. So I ran and ran and ran. I thought that I had lost them but when I was to take a step, (I was in a room) a zombie bit my toe -yeah, darn it. Then I realized that I was stepping on a pile(?) of zombie or was it just a zombie? I forgot it now but I was stepping on the face of the one that bit me. Of course I ran away... But I wasn't scared, I don't know why. I know I'm going to turn into a zombie sooner or later in my dream, and I was so curious..or excited maybe? so weird. But before that happened, I woke up.

One day, I had nothing to do but I was still bothered by that dream so I look the meaning of that dream in a dream dictionary online. I can't actually give my trust in these kind of things but this had me thinking..

via http://dreammoods.com

Undead
To dream that you are undead, represents your inability to express yourself. You are feeling disconnected with others. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you have relapsed back to your old habits and ways.?

To dream that you are undead, represents your inability to express yourself. You are feeling disconnected with others. Alternatively, it suggests that you have reverted back to your old habits and ways.

Zombie
To see or dream that you are a zombie, suggests that you are physically and/or emotionally detached from people and situations that are currently surrounding you. You are feeling out of touch. Alternatively, a zombie means that you are feeling dead inside. You are just going through the motions of daily living.

To dream that you are attacked by zombies, indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered.

Running
To dream that you are running away from someone, indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.?
---

Then I immediately remembered her, my old self. She was so dead and so mad and so confused and chose to be alone. She forgot about friends, family and God. She looks down on people that she sees as weak, dirty, imperfect, because she see herself as so high. Tch, she is an idiot >_>

I know that sometimes she is catching on me. I tried so hard to be not like her and change her and to just discard her but then I thought that I need a part of her for protection. I need some of her to shield my self. But I will not be like that anymore since now, I'm aware of being her and that I'm aware of her! Since now, that I had gained so much trust and faith in God that had showed so much love to me -that had showed so much love to that girl. He still loved me when I was undead and never left me. He proved that the word "forever" and "eternal" exist to Him.

So, I will take Him as my protection and sheild. Yes, I do not need that girl.

There's no such thing...

So now, I finally admitted to myself that "I'm a person that is afraid of doing anything bcoz i'm afraid to get hurt and to hurt somebody." and so, I always distance myself.

I watched and observed the world I'm in and shielded myself from it and set the things that I don't wanna be. I had perfectly set those things to me and took so much pride in myself, which is bad, coz pride is a bad thing...hmm, it's one of the 7 deadly sins right? I use "self-respect" now instead, hehe, and try not to cross the boundery of it which i think, pride, is next to it.

Then, I wanted my ideal world...

A friend of mine asked me if I'm afraid of attachment or something, and I answered "I think :(" but now, my answer is "yes I am". I also told her that I'm afraid of those things that are not to last "forever" which, I also said, that it does not exist. I opened a slight of my mind to her, which I think, just annoyed her, haha. -One of the reasons that I don't wanna open up, I'm afraid that I might annoyed, burdened the person I'm opening up to and then, in the end, they might just get tired of me. -tch, me, afraid -_-. But I know to myself that sometimes, eventhough I know the things that are right, know the things that I must do, I still need someone else to say those things to me. *Sigh*, why do I need someone to slap me?

Of course, I know, I'm still weak...

My ideal world does not exist. There's no such thing. I have to take the pain, I have to get hurt and might hurt somebody. How can I be this strong when I decided to myself to just runaway? How can I undecide that when I'm like this?

I'm still weak so I hate myself

*edit:
I read a blog I made last year (Random Thoughts) and there I said that I'm not afraid anymore in this kind of crap, so now I went back to being this crap again? I don't want history to repeats itself. If it's going to repeat then this time I won't lose.