Dear Dream,
I bought a personalized bracelet with an initial of D and it stands for you :)
"Bakit D?":
"Dragon", "Dinosaur"...etc. - my answer to question when I don't want to explain...
I just want to not forget how much you mean to me (I actually want to make another bracelet and have R as initial and wear it on my other hand - it's for Rainbow). I used to wear it everyday... now, I just want to wear it occasionally... or maybe never. Why?
You see...
Where ever I go, I'm always in this situation: Teased to a person you don't like but he likes you... Have some guys like and sometimes pursue you, but you don't see them the way they do to you. Some of those guys you can stay cool with or be friends with but some are just freaking annoying - story of my life.
I have this set of guy friends that teases me and gives me the feeling of a peace of meat that they sell.... and I just got through with it! I cannot keep up, I'm really annoyed and worry of the other party. I'm afraid that they might fall and I cannot reciprocate that feeling. It's that part that I don't want to happen. I am the kind of person that is scared to get hurt and so, I'm also afraid to hurt other people since I know the feeling. So I got really sad and disappointed because I thought that they are the ones who'll protect me from these since they suggest that they are my "kuya" and all. Plus! There's this guy in my team that I am being teased with! And I just can't stand a guy like him! >_< He cannot do things of his own, and why the hell he always choose to be with a girl instead of guys??? It seems to me that he needs a sugar mommy! I just can't -! He's so opposite of what I want in a guy =___= And I think he's in his time of having those "raging hormones" =__________=
And so I just got so fed up, I even change my profile pic in skype (because we use skype in work) to my celebrity crush... I call him that because of this purpose... *sigh* it's degrading but I have no choice.. I have to protect myself.. because I think, only another guy can protect me from this kind of stuffs...Not even you, Dream, because you don't exist in my reality. So, I just tell them that this is my guy =_= it is a joke but I just let them think what they want because sometimes it worked ;| though I don't really know this celebrity and he might not be a type of guy I like.
But then this guy (the teammate) is really bothering me... so I post in my skype status a some kind of message for this situation....It's all I can do and hoped that my guy friends will understand and help me with this..........
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There's this person that at first, I respect him as a PM (a good one) because I acknowledge his skill and intelligence. There was this situation that a teammate of mine is spending a lot of hard times debugging a problem and my PM just stood behind him and told him what to do.. He got it in just a few minutes while this teammate already spent days with it and so I thought: "Awesome!" 0_0
I got to know him a little when he waited for me so that I could go with him in a ride going to our client. In his car, we had a little chat about himself. I kinda led the conversation towards him because I'm just like that; I don't talk about myself to others that I'm not that close to. And (I think) I'm more a listener... It is flattering that people trust me to talk about this kind of things....
He is nice to me. We tease each other, have jokes and laugh. Then, I felt a little comfortable around him.
In our Team Building... it was the time that I developed this feeling towards him. I know that in some of his actions towards me- is some kind of pursuing... You see, I wouldn't like a guy who doesn't like me beside, It's how a guy pursue is how I'll have an idea what kind of a guy he is. He can do things alone, he knows life, I find him manly. I really don't now his feelings towards me since my only way of confirming it is when the guy tell you so. No matter what, if a guy likes/loves you then he will tell you so - I believe in that and I give respect to those guys.
I don't know what part when the crush turned to liking. Is it when he sometimes check on me? or is it when he goes beside me? or is it when he ate my so burned pan cake :p He can talk and approach me. He can lead me.
Then, after seeing my skype post, he sent me a pm asking what kind of drama that is :p I was surprise and at the same time made me so happy because, HE CARES! We chat a little and asked for some advice, but I didn't told him the whole story. Now, I got little embarrassed about my profile pic and my patience with my situation got extended :) I changed my skype status into his advice. Now, I don't know if that just because he's my PM and just worried about loosing employees. So I am telling myself that it is not something "special" and that he is also doing things like this to others...
Because, Dream, we can't. We just can't be...
-Another story of my life: I cannot be with the person I prefer.
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Now, why I don't want to wear the bracelet anymore? It's because his name starts with D also. It's because now, whenever I looked at it, it also reminded me of him. Thoughts of you is stained by the thoughts of him.... I might forget you, Dream but isn't that -for some reason- good also? Because now, I can have something in my reality. I can now "write my story" - not just some fiction nor something from my imagination. But you see, I am choosing to forget this feeling because I HAVE TO.
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These are the things that keeps me up all night and cry. This is the cycle of my life that I even asked for my heart to be taken away because it only feels pain.
Dear Dream, I hope you are not experiencing all these things. I hope you are happy. I wish you all the best. Let me say this to you (even if you're just from my dreams) and hope for some reason you'll hear me.... with me having this remaining feelings/thought of you because you are already fading away.
I hope you don't experience being annoyed by a person you don't like.
I hope you don't cry at night.
I hope you sleep well.
I hope you can be with the person you love, because that's the greatest feeling.
I hope we can meet :)
P.S.: I would like to say goodbye but at this time, there is still a very slight part of me that doesn't want to.
