the thing about not knowing what is “meant to be” is that when you do know, you won’t work for it....
the next thing you'll know is that you lost it

23

"...So young. What plans do you have?" "You're very young, you still have more to learn and must have -not just skills." -And such. I always get that when I'm having "corporate conversations with adults". I thought I grew a lot after all those years, but how does they see me, or what do they see in me? Now I've been questioning: Have I been playing ever since? Where I was half-hearted in all my goals? "When will you get serious?" -A friend asked me, and I answered "Huh? I'm serious!" with a silly face.
I graduated when I was 19 and I thought I had stop growing after that since there was nothing new happening in my life. But, those years in between... so many happened within me because my surroundings tell me a lot of things -A lot of lies, a lot of what they want me to think, rather than what is the truth, so I lost interest in all those. Setting those aside.. I, ahh.... I can't say anything nice, can't find =_=. Oh, wait. I tried to change things, but it didn't work out. What was good about that, is now, I'm sure of what I am now.
Maybe I graduated too early (because 21-23 years old is the usual newly grad) and that, I was expecting a lot from the things I get when I'm at work.



what is that I wanna do? aah... sometimes I am so inspired and looking towards my goals.. but times like you're lost is always there. why can't i hold on to something for myself for long? no.. it's not gone.. it's just unstable.


outside, I've met these people: can be kind to you but says a different story when your on your back.. in their world, no  one can be a trusting/true friend. I can tell when they're plastics :| and politics? come on. i choose people who i respect and can look in their eyes. 




I'm done seeking knowledge in the world I shouldn't even look at. I recently learned that I was seeking...

So that's why.... that's why it seems like everything is wrong!

Like licking the glass of the poison I shouldn't even have held, curious what's the poison taste like.

Now, with these I have, what am I going to do with this emptiness that hunts me from time to time?

loosing

i am mad and confuse and i feel helpless... this is the first time i wished a person to be dead. 

where is providence? WHO is providence? can i be it? i always wanted to protect those people who are close to me. but i don't want to use a shield to protect. i want to use a sword. but i guess it's different when the one in danger is me.

how can i protect myself from the world i'm in now?
this. i'm scared that i might commit a sin to prevent a sin.

also, time will come, if not right now... that the one i should be careful of is my self... 

it's annoying..*sigh*

because my manager is a freakin' ferverted old jerk.... i dunno know what to think and do. i'm just keeping my cool.. till i can =_=

Mngr: *Sermons*... Now,do I sound like your Dad?
Me: ....Ahmm.... Actually, my Mom.

The Starting Line

When you are being nice, some people might/will take advantage of it that sometimes you don't know how to get out of it. When you are being "tough" or "dark" just to not get involve in the people you don't like will be bad for you (at least sooner or later)...

It's ok. Right now, I just have to "empty/clear" my self again. Along my way in coming where I am now, I picked up a lot of things: happiness, friendships, hardships, sadness, anger, disappointment, failure, love, hate, and etc. I'll throw away all the negatives and keep my faith. Faith. I'm glad I got to pick you. With this, all along side you will come -at least, eventually.

I'll keep my honest and peaceful self. My loyalty to God and love to the people close to me. I'll keep my cool and calmness. I'll keep my self-control and self-respect and be humble. I'll keep whatever makes God happy. -Like how I used to.

At the other side, I'll also keep my toughness and strength. My frankness, my sharp tongue, and my being ignorant (at times). I will speak hurtful things if it is needed and if it is only the truth. -Like how I used to.

I found myself back from the start and thought why? And, If this where I should really head to? And yes it is, but, start with the proper equipment -that is.

I keep the people I can be with and be a stranger to those people I can't deal with -being a stranger that's like that you haven't met with no idea what they are -no idea what annoyance they give you. If then, it will give a chance to "meet" them again then fine. But this time with the proper equipment to (shield and defend) myself.

I can have both sides of the monochrome -light and dark. With the proper balance and righteousness.

I can say no if I want, I can smile if I want, I can laugh if I want, I can be angry if I want, I can do what I want.

If ever I get the negative stuffs again then so? I'll cry if I feel like it but I will not forget the fact that I can shrug and throw those away again.

This inner peace, I would like to keep -always.

I am ready for my tomorrow.

Ready. Set.

GO!

Reflection. Walls.

Monochrome: It's so unfair. How could you make your anger disappear when there's no place to place it? -no, rather, you have no choice but to forget it. How will you do that? I am not that kind, I am weak! yes, I admit it, I'm weak. I don't have the strength to make a solution, I don't even know if it could happen! How? How will you make those negative feelings disappear? Because this thing will eventually turn to hatred.

Rainbow: How will you make it disappear?

Monochrome: So then, I ran! I chose to ran! Till I had come to the point of always running -running away!

Rainbow: Does it go away?

Monochrome: But anywhere I go it chased me. Reasons for hatred chases me!

Rainbow: I see that you can't run away from it.

Monochrome: I can't do this. SOMEONE HELP ME!

Rainbow: Help?

Monochrome: I can finally admit it! There are things that I can't solve alone! There are things that I can't even solve!..... Make it stop! Just make it stop! Let me break free in this rotten cycle! I am weak! I have always thought and make myself strong, but there are things... there are people that just don't understand. People who are selfish and are the reasons for my hatred to be alive.
I had always been in my shell... I am always behind my thick wall, then my wall got thin because of the things that made me calm from my madness, but at the same time, it became thick because of the pain I had when this calming is taking my madness away, when my lessons were learned and acceptance to things I always denied.

Rainbow: You always denied?

Monochrome: Yes. I have always dream to meet another "Monochrome", an exact me so that I'll know that I am not the only one thinking like this and that, I'll know that I'm not the only one that have this kind of principles, so that I won't give up on it. I'll know that I am not the only one suffering from this pain... I'll know that I am not alone. But then, I realized that this me is nothing but a reflection, a reflection that is not true. I realized that she is another wall of mine. A wall that shields me from having a pain.

Rainbow: Wall?

Monochrome: Friends. My friends are another wall that protects me even though they don't know it. I have always been a parasite....ahaha.. yes, a parasite since I can not go on without an inspiration from the other. I can not dream without reasons. I can not make my own reasons for I can not live for myself. But I know that, they cannot always be with me. They will have to leave me for their own reasons which is I'll be happy for it.

Rainbow: But then again, with only them, nothing is left for you.

Monochrome: But I see now! I see now that pain is inevitable whether you try to run away from it or hide from it. Pain will always be there if you are going to have it. So I decided to face the pain, a pain that I will not regret that I'll have because of some reasons.... I am stronger now, right?

Rainbow: You have... to be humble.


Rainbow: Anger. Anger is but a thought, part of emotions that is natural to feel. It is easily obtain when you are bothered but also easily resolved when you are understood. To be able for you to be understand is that you must have another person with you, a person that can understand your pain or a person that might share your pain, hence, you can not make yourself calm -at least from some reasons that is.
Friends. Friends might not last but friendship does. You know you can always be with them even though they are not beside you. I believe that the reasons you obtain people like them because they are pieces of you. The fact that you can be with them and that they can be with you is a fact that they have a part of you. A piece of the mirror that reflects you. Pieces that attracts each other. A principle that is you.
You always shield your self from the others because you don't want to be get close to them. You don't want to share something to them and be a part of them, because you can't deal with goodbyes. Goodbyes that carries pain that will convey to you. But then you choose to have pain that you will not regret that you'll have. I'll say that that is braveness -that is strength.
Pain. Pain is a powerful tool of destruction. People are afraid of it even though they deny it. Some people will protect their self from it at whatever cost, and some doesn't even know that they are doing this. Blinded by fear, they will choose to hurt other people just to protect their self.
I'm sorry to say that you do not have the power to protect yourself at all times. At some time, you alone can not answer problem. I am happy that you are now asking help. I am not ashamed of you.

If you keep your Faith and keep it alive then I believe that you will have your freedom and happiness -in time- and answers that you are so longing for.

And the time that you can never be alone, right?

Dream

Dreams... they're really weird sometimes^^; but at some time, I wish to dream again and again^^;

Here's a dream that I used to have -or, used to re-occur...

The dream was always like this; I'm some kind of an important character like I'm a princess or I have a deadly or super powers -I'm always needed to be protected and I'm being protected by a man, that we're always running away from enemies(?).

Hm... I can only remember 2 versions of this dream. The first one was we were running away from people that wanted to kidnapped me. I think I have a status in that country or something. The setting was ancient china, the buildings and our dresses are like in the martial arts movies. My bodyguard there has a hair-style of the bald on top and has long braided hair at the end. I was like, in mind "Pwahahaha! He's bald?!" 0w0

Ehe, moving on, I was being carried in a piggy-back ride by him and he was running and jumping on buildings. Then, we got in a castle or something, there were men chasing us. I think we got separated and those men were near in getting me but yeah, like a late hero, he got me. We got off the castle and I still remember falling from the top of that castle with him. It was suppose to be scary but the fall was like wonderful? Seeing the green scenery and the sun, and feeling the wind -It was a soothing feeling. Then, I wake before we could fall to the ground.

Another dream.... I'm in like a soldier training camp or school... like SeeD in FF8? Then, I have this powers that I don't know how to use or what it could do. Now, there's this guy, a teacher or something that has ranking, that always guides me in some way -not open. He's like, he have these people to be my guide/guard, but sometimes he's there beside me. It's like he knows my powers and ability and because of that, I became aware of my powers. I forgot what else happened but I think I remember seeing a big spider there.

But like I said, I'm not having these dreams anymore. It's like I gave up running and I let the zombies get me. See my zombie dream.

*edit: I forgot to mention that I feel a bit angry to that guy at first but at some time in those dreams, he's like earned my trust because of the protection he's giving.

I'm Open for Art Commission

Hello~!

Because my last pay is still on hold by my previous company (yeah, no job right now), I need to earn cash as much as I can get^_^; so, I'm opening an art commission to pay my this month's bills and etc. T-T

Quick sketch starts at $2 (for any shot and any medium of drawing)






Digital Art (colored)
Headshot = $5


Half-body = $7



Full-body = $9 (without the background)


Any background has an additional price depending how complex the bg is.

Please pm me or comment here if you are interested :)

Thank you^^

That feeling of venturing into something but all you can see is vast darkness. Your head feels like floating and your body just follows. You know you have to go there and that you don't have a choice. Yes, you're scared but   it doesn't matter.

That wanting of.... passing all that.