loosing

i am mad and confuse and i feel helpless... this is the first time i wished a person to be dead. 

where is providence? WHO is providence? can i be it? i always wanted to protect those people who are close to me. but i don't want to use a shield to protect. i want to use a sword. but i guess it's different when the one in danger is me.

how can i protect myself from the world i'm in now?
this. i'm scared that i might commit a sin to prevent a sin.

also, time will come, if not right now... that the one i should be careful of is my self...