The Zombie in Me

I had a dream that I was being chased by zombies. So I ran and ran and ran. I thought that I had lost them but when I was to take a step, (I was in a room) a zombie bit my toe -yeah, darn it. Then I realized that I was stepping on a pile(?) of zombie or was it just a zombie? I forgot it now but I was stepping on the face of the one that bit me. Of course I ran away... But I wasn't scared, I don't know why. I know I'm going to turn into a zombie sooner or later in my dream, and I was so curious..or excited maybe? so weird. But before that happened, I woke up.

One day, I had nothing to do but I was still bothered by that dream so I look the meaning of that dream in a dream dictionary online. I can't actually give my trust in these kind of things but this had me thinking..

via http://dreammoods.com

Undead
To dream that you are undead, represents your inability to express yourself. You are feeling disconnected with others. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you have relapsed back to your old habits and ways.?

To dream that you are undead, represents your inability to express yourself. You are feeling disconnected with others. Alternatively, it suggests that you have reverted back to your old habits and ways.

Zombie
To see or dream that you are a zombie, suggests that you are physically and/or emotionally detached from people and situations that are currently surrounding you. You are feeling out of touch. Alternatively, a zombie means that you are feeling dead inside. You are just going through the motions of daily living.

To dream that you are attacked by zombies, indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered.

Running
To dream that you are running away from someone, indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.?
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Then I immediately remembered her, my old self. She was so dead and so mad and so confused and chose to be alone. She forgot about friends, family and God. She looks down on people that she sees as weak, dirty, imperfect, because she see herself as so high. Tch, she is an idiot >_>

I know that sometimes she is catching on me. I tried so hard to be not like her and change her and to just discard her but then I thought that I need a part of her for protection. I need some of her to shield my self. But I will not be like that anymore since now, I'm aware of being her and that I'm aware of her! Since now, that I had gained so much trust and faith in God that had showed so much love to me -that had showed so much love to that girl. He still loved me when I was undead and never left me. He proved that the word "forever" and "eternal" exist to Him.

So, I will take Him as my protection and sheild. Yes, I do not need that girl.

There's no such thing...

So now, I finally admitted to myself that "I'm a person that is afraid of doing anything bcoz i'm afraid to get hurt and to hurt somebody." and so, I always distance myself.

I watched and observed the world I'm in and shielded myself from it and set the things that I don't wanna be. I had perfectly set those things to me and took so much pride in myself, which is bad, coz pride is a bad thing...hmm, it's one of the 7 deadly sins right? I use "self-respect" now instead, hehe, and try not to cross the boundery of it which i think, pride, is next to it.

Then, I wanted my ideal world...

A friend of mine asked me if I'm afraid of attachment or something, and I answered "I think :(" but now, my answer is "yes I am". I also told her that I'm afraid of those things that are not to last "forever" which, I also said, that it does not exist. I opened a slight of my mind to her, which I think, just annoyed her, haha. -One of the reasons that I don't wanna open up, I'm afraid that I might annoyed, burdened the person I'm opening up to and then, in the end, they might just get tired of me. -tch, me, afraid -_-. But I know to myself that sometimes, eventhough I know the things that are right, know the things that I must do, I still need someone else to say those things to me. *Sigh*, why do I need someone to slap me?

Of course, I know, I'm still weak...

My ideal world does not exist. There's no such thing. I have to take the pain, I have to get hurt and might hurt somebody. How can I be this strong when I decided to myself to just runaway? How can I undecide that when I'm like this?

I'm still weak so I hate myself

*edit:
I read a blog I made last year (Random Thoughts) and there I said that I'm not afraid anymore in this kind of crap, so now I went back to being this crap again? I don't want history to repeats itself. If it's going to repeat then this time I won't lose.