23

"...So young. What plans do you have?" "You're very young, you still have more to learn and must have -not just skills." -And such. I always get that when I'm having "corporate conversations with adults". I thought I grew a lot after all those years, but how does they see me, or what do they see in me? Now I've been questioning: Have I been playing ever since? Where I was half-hearted in all my goals? "When will you get serious?" -A friend asked me, and I answered "Huh? I'm serious!" with a silly face.
I graduated when I was 19 and I thought I had stop growing after that since there was nothing new happening in my life. But, those years in between... so many happened within me because my surroundings tell me a lot of things -A lot of lies, a lot of what they want me to think, rather than what is the truth, so I lost interest in all those. Setting those aside.. I, ahh.... I can't say anything nice, can't find =_=. Oh, wait. I tried to change things, but it didn't work out. What was good about that, is now, I'm sure of what I am now.
Maybe I graduated too early (because 21-23 years old is the usual newly grad) and that, I was expecting a lot from the things I get when I'm at work.



what is that I wanna do? aah... sometimes I am so inspired and looking towards my goals.. but times like you're lost is always there. why can't i hold on to something for myself for long? no.. it's not gone.. it's just unstable.


outside, I've met these people: can be kind to you but says a different story when your on your back.. in their world, no  one can be a trusting/true friend. I can tell when they're plastics :| and politics? come on. i choose people who i respect and can look in their eyes. 




I'm done seeking knowledge in the world I shouldn't even look at. I recently learned that I was seeking...

So that's why.... that's why it seems like everything is wrong!

Like licking the glass of the poison I shouldn't even have held, curious what's the poison taste like.

Now, with these I have, what am I going to do with this emptiness that hunts me from time to time?

loosing

i am mad and confuse and i feel helpless... this is the first time i wished a person to be dead. 

where is providence? WHO is providence? can i be it? i always wanted to protect those people who are close to me. but i don't want to use a shield to protect. i want to use a sword. but i guess it's different when the one in danger is me.

how can i protect myself from the world i'm in now?
this. i'm scared that i might commit a sin to prevent a sin.

also, time will come, if not right now... that the one i should be careful of is my self...