I Don't Want to Believe It

I don't  know where to start but...here goes....

-Errmm... no, don't want to blurt out what's in my mind this early.. it's embarrassing - I think. So I'll try to start something.

Hmmm.....There were times that I was so confused and lost in what am I going to do in my life. I had 3 representation of what I have back then (because I'm not very good at explaining and sharing what's on my mind and what I feel. So I usually represent them through my creativity -like creating an original character, lol). And they are:

Monochrome: The life I currently see and have. A close representation of myself. If it's not black then it's white, if it's not white then it's black -it's as simple as that.

Rainbow: The things I can't explain but you can feel it and its happening somehow. Like the faith I have in God and everything else that you can only sense.

Dream: Eerrrmmm...... Low profile, don't know him...just kidding ;p I think... I think he's like another comfort zone of mine? He usually saves me from myself....by appearing in my dreams.

.........

Now, here's the thing... the problem I had back then.. that re-occuring problem I freaking have, is coming back again. I'm confused again in what I want to do with my life. Boredom will eat me up again eventually...
Back then, whenever I feel sad, bad, confused, empty or I can't even explain -that there's no words to describe the feeling... It's when I dream of that person which I called Dream because I'm not good at naming things^^;

First re-occuring theme: We're running away or escaping from people/things that chasing us.

Second re-occuring theme: Some people under him helping me, with Dream afar.

Third re-occuring theme: Dream is always late or not there at all. Then, there's a person (new OC? lol) and he's like the first one to be somewhat by my side or he's just there=_=...with or then? a woman will be there with him/them (with Dream)/us (-dunno if I'm part of the group).

Fourth re-occuring theme: Dream holding my hands and we're walking on a pathway... This dream always happen whenever I feel bad..empty or giving up on something. I feel comforted somehow but then I always drew away since I know that he's a stranger and all. I guess even in dreams I'm still not good with strangers. But he will continue to accompany me anyway. And I know I feel grateful even if it's just a dream, because it's somehow calmed me or made me happy. Becuase I thought that he's the only one who can see my feelings even without words.

I don't like that I feel grateful to a thing that doesn't exist. I don't like the fact that sometimes I want to see him in my dreams. I haven't even heard his voice! There was this time that I can't see his whole face only his mouth unable to utter his words. There's no voice or sound coming out of his mouth. I don't know his face. When I see him, he always have a new appearance -weird that I can say that he's the same person/thing. And I don't talk to him also 0_0 Why haven't I said such a thing? Even though he's always there beside me? Oh yeah, because he's a stranger =_=. I'm awfully quiet, noh? To things that I don't know that is. If he's forever mute then, I'll be forever blind.....hmmm maybe I'm deaf as well? lol.

But I planned on saying something to him anyway. But all I said was: "Go buy some cracker!" -angrily, lol. Becuase he hit a dog! >_< But he hit it because the dog was biting my hand. - While we were walking the pathway I had said before, we saw a small dog (weird looking =_=). I left him behind and ran towards the dog. I sat so that I can give him a pat on the head. But the cute-weird dog bit me '_' And then, he hit the dog and the dog went flying hitting the wall. I was mad because it's a dog, man! >_<. I ran towards the dog again and examined him. The dog was like crying and so I shouted him those words... yeah, buy the poor dog a cracker =.=; (why on earth did I thought that food can make the dog well?) And he went buying a cracker, lol. In the end, we were both feeding the dog. That was the last time I dreamed of Dream. It ended stupid like that =_=.

I wanted to say "thank you" for all the things you'd done. To the things you did without expecting something in return and even though I always turn him away. To the things that gave me good effect in the real world. Becuase you're a part that made me like this. You're one of the things that made me out of my comfort zone and finally have to walk around the outside world. But then again...you're one of the things I want to destroy...

Since I decided to not look at the things that doesn't involve my real world - those things that I don't currently have.... Dream never showed.

It's then, Rainbow is a blur.
Dream was destroyed by reality.
And Monochrome walks alone....

But yesterday...that afternoon... I wanted to see him. I BADLY want to see him. So bad that it made me cry. I even went to the CR just to wipe my teary eyes. I was in the time that I was confused again (but I already have an answer to that confusion). Though, I dunno why I thought of him, I think I miss him 0_0 -what on earth??? And it's his fault why I wasn't able to sleep much last night even though I have to wake up reeeeaaally early like, 3am =.=.

I don't want to believe that these things are happening to me. Darn, what's wrong with me? Why did I thought of that thing? why now???