at last. away from my bitches coworkers!!!! >:p

what happens to your self-respect?

i'm confused. i dunno if i'm the only one who thinks this way. but please, don't become a person i hate... or am i, being selfish?
i hate cheap people...



....

..

.

aah.. some draft from a long time ago ..that i just published.

some people.. well, VERY FEW STRANGER people adds me in FB (I add people around me -or up to 2nd degree-.. who are brave enough to add me) and then pm me about him/her wanting me as their friend. I'm REALLY flattered but... how about talking to me personally instead??? =.= well.. most of them are kids.. so.. I guess this is media as a means of communication to them... but that just weird :| talk to me personally first before I can pm you not feeling weird ^_^;

and my heart sank when a friend told me that her mother has cancer.. i don't know what to say and .. i just... why do i feel helpless like this??

It's annoying to have an UNWANTED attention :\

i will be the best freakin' hybrid ever!

so many thoughts recently..but so lazy to sort it out and "voice" it out here.. then.. i become so blank.. this seems to be familiar...

What was that sad face I saw on my father's. I can't imagine what were they experiencing.. What is happening to them in that place where I don't want to think bad of. I wish to join my parents.

I see that they are already mad at that person... then WHY THE HECK IS HE IN THAT POSITION IF HE HAS WHAT PEOPLE CLAIM TO HIM??? Why must we experience this while he can be so free and us be like.. thrown away???

I wish to do something and clean what was imprinted to my papa and to others involved- or is this revenge I'm feeling? trying to hide it as providence?

Til when should we experience these hardships? What should we must realize til we can finally - at least, lighten our loads?

dang... i don't wanna be here =_=

talking about beauties

friend: hindi kami sa panlabas tumtingin
me: sa panloob?

LOL

Take Care

Actually, I know the place where my last dream of him. The pathway was the one I'm always walking to get inside our church coming from our dressing room. And we were wearing my choir's uniform (0_0) while Dream and I were walking while holding my hand (but even when he was just beside me, I couldn't see his face.. just the part where his lips is, so I know, that we're both happy at that time).

After our this coming Thank's Giving Day, my family is planning to transfer to another locale and it's far away from our current -and my parents doesn't have any plans of coming back. It makes me so sad because I feel that my only connection to Dream will be gone... -no, it is my only connection since it is the only place that I know in my waking world.

Bakit kasi puro metaphor ka Dream? Sa bagay, what if I saw the real you (if ever you're a real person), Dream sa panaginip? I'm positive, I'll just wonder and just wait for you. Well, siguro ganun talaga. You know, kung totoong tao ka and you would like me or court me or something, I would choose you over a dozen Siwon or Sherlock Holmes :p And I would help you in anything you want para makabawi naman sayo.

Honestly, I would like to have a dream of you again. Because sa panaginip lang tayo nagkakasama. Sa totoo lang, hindi naman kita makakalimutan e T-T

you make me sad :(

Bad Night

Last Friday, I arrived at our subdv's entrance at around 1:30 am. I then walked towards and passed the 2nd guard house. After a while, I heard a bike's noise and turned my head a bit to where I heard it. I saw it's lower part and it was a pedal and a guy's legs. I ignored it. But I know it passed me. A little while has passed, and I saw a guy on a bike going my opposite direction. It was him. I knew it was the guy since we were the only ones on the road. I looked at him at a glance: He was a boy - a teenager, chubby or medium build, brown skin and - I must say, has an innocent look. We had a little big distance to each other. I ignored. I didn't observe him more (I used to observe more). 

In just a matter of a few seconds, I felt that someone has grabbed my right breast. To my surprise, I just screamed! It was a grip, I looked and it was from the boy on the bike. My mind were filled with thoughts: was that a perverted act or was that supposed to be a robbery since I am obviously carrying a laptop? You see, I change how I hold my laptop bag: I hold it in my left, in my right or hug it when my arms are tired from its weight. I want to run after him. For what? what if he has a group or something - waiting for him. But I screamed... wait, what if the guard didn't hear me? I don't want my mind to just run some thoughts. All I was feeling was my right hand turning into a fist and my rage: wanting to make him pay. So I ran after him as I was calling out our guard to stop the boy in a bike.

The guard also didn't caught him. I told my story. My voice was a bit shaking. I don't know if I was scared or just angry. It might be the combination of both. Suddenly, there was so many guys in scooters. Now, this intrigued me. Where did they came from? What's up with their numbers? And why are they all in partner? I didn't think anything.. I just have to go home...

So that's how I'm like when I'm in this situation.

I didn't tell my parents right away. It was midnight, and I don't want them to worry.... and beside, they will be more strict on me =_=

When I told them, all I see was their worried face - no scolding, surprisingly. We went to the Baranggay and made a blotter. But report is supposed to be done within an hour range after the incident happen for them to take action. So, lesson learned: report to your parents immediately. It will not be a bother, it will be a bother when it will be too late.

I don't hate the night, I still like it. I still like the darkness and the light that comes with it...BUT I have to be careful what lurks in it.

If I didn't shut down my ability to observe more I wouldn't lose analyzing fast and predicting what might happen. I shouldn't. After all, I could always explain.

arrgh! I'm bored! my mind's going rotten! I want to be challenged! lemme outta here!! >_<

D

Dear Dream,

I bought a personalized bracelet with an initial of D and it stands for you :)

"Bakit D?":
"Dragon", "Dinosaur"...etc. - my answer to question when I don't want to explain...

I just want to not forget how much you mean to me (I actually want to make another bracelet and have R as initial and wear it on my other hand - it's for Rainbow). I used to wear it everyday... now, I just want to wear it occasionally... or maybe never. Why?

You see...

Where  ever I go, I'm always in this situation: Teased to a person you don't like but he likes you... Have some guys like and sometimes pursue you, but you don't see them the way they do to you. Some of those guys you can stay cool with or be friends with but some are just freaking annoying - story of my life.

I have this set of guy friends that teases me and gives me the feeling of a peace of meat that they sell.... and I just got through with it! I cannot keep up, I'm really annoyed and worry of the other party. I'm afraid that they might fall and I cannot reciprocate that feeling. It's that part that I don't want to happen. I am the kind of person that is scared to get hurt and so, I'm also afraid to hurt other people since I know the feeling. So I got really sad and disappointed because I thought that they are the ones who'll protect me from these since they suggest that they are my "kuya" and all. Plus! There's this guy in my team that I am being teased with! And I just can't stand a guy like him! >_< He cannot do things of his own, and why the hell he always choose to be with a girl instead of guys??? It seems to me that he needs a sugar mommy! I just can't -! He's so opposite of what I want in a guy =___= And I think he's in his time of having those "raging hormones" =__________=

And so I just got so fed up, I even change my profile pic in skype (because we use skype in work) to my celebrity crush... I call him that because of this purpose... *sigh* it's degrading but I have no choice.. I have to protect myself.. because I think, only another guy can protect me from this kind of stuffs...Not even you, Dream, because you don't exist in my reality. So, I just tell them that this is my guy =_= it is a joke but I just let them think what they want because sometimes it worked ;| though I don't really know this celebrity and he might not be a type of guy I like. 

But then this guy (the teammate) is really bothering me... so I post in my skype status a some kind of message for this situation....It's all I can do and hoped that my guy friends will understand and help me with this..........

------
There's this person that at first, I respect him as a PM (a good one) because I acknowledge his skill and intelligence. There was this situation that a teammate of mine is spending a lot of hard times debugging a problem and my PM just stood behind him and told him what to do.. He got it in just a few minutes while this teammate already spent days with it and so I thought: "Awesome!" 0_0

I got to know him a little when he waited for me so that I could go with him in a ride going to our client. In his car, we had a little chat about himself. I kinda led the conversation towards him because I'm just like that; I don't talk about myself to others that I'm not that close to. And (I think) I'm more a listener... It is flattering that people trust me to talk about this kind of things....

He is nice to me. We tease each other, have jokes and laugh. Then, I felt a little comfortable around him.

In our Team Building... it was the time that I developed this feeling towards him. I know that in some of his actions towards me- is some kind of pursuing... You see, I wouldn't like a guy who doesn't like me beside, It's how a guy pursue is how I'll have an idea what kind of a guy he is. He can do things alone, he knows life, I find him manly. I really don't now his feelings towards me since my only way of confirming it is when the guy tell you so. No matter what, if a guy likes/loves you then he will tell you so - I believe in that and I give respect to those guys.

I don't know what part when the crush turned to liking. Is it when he sometimes check on me? or is it when he goes beside me? or is it when he ate my so burned pan cake :p He can talk and approach me. He can lead me.


Then, after seeing my skype post, he sent me a pm asking what kind of drama that is :p I was surprise and at the same time made me so happy because, HE CARES! We chat a little and asked for some advice, but I didn't told him the whole story. Now, I got little embarrassed about my profile pic and my patience with my situation got extended :) I changed my skype status into his advice. Now, I don't know if that just because he's my PM and just worried about loosing employees. So I am telling myself that it is not something "special" and that he is also doing things like this to others...

Because, Dream, we can't. We just can't be...

-Another story of my life: I cannot be with the person I prefer.

-----

Now, why I don't want to wear the bracelet anymore? It's because his name starts with D also. It's because now, whenever I looked at it, it also reminded me of him. Thoughts of you is stained by the thoughts of him.... I might forget you, Dream but isn't that -for some reason- good also? Because now, I can have something in my reality. I can now "write my story" - not just some fiction nor something from my imagination. But you see, I am choosing to forget this feeling because I HAVE TO. 

----- These are the things that keeps me up all night and cry. This is the cycle of my life that I even asked for my heart to be taken away because it only feels pain.

Dear Dream, I hope you are not experiencing all these things. I hope you are happy. I wish you all the best. Let me say this to you (even if you're just from my dreams) and hope for some reason you'll hear me.... with me having this remaining feelings/thought of you because you are already fading away.

I hope you don't experience being annoyed by a person you don't like.
I hope you don't cry at night.
I hope you sleep well.
I hope you can be with the person you love, because that's the greatest feeling.

I hope we can meet :)



P.S.: I would like to say goodbye but at this time, there is still a very slight part of me that doesn't want to.

It's not just career.... it's finding what you want to do for the rest of your life.

I sometimes wonder what's my purpose in life. I dunno why I think of these things... but just maybe, it's because of this feeling of finding what makes you go on. And as for me, I find myself just drifting... taking the tides and wonders where I'm going next.

I Don't Want to Believe It

I don't  know where to start but...here goes....

-Errmm... no, don't want to blurt out what's in my mind this early.. it's embarrassing - I think. So I'll try to start something.

Hmmm.....There were times that I was so confused and lost in what am I going to do in my life. I had 3 representation of what I have back then (because I'm not very good at explaining and sharing what's on my mind and what I feel. So I usually represent them through my creativity -like creating an original character, lol). And they are:

Monochrome: The life I currently see and have. A close representation of myself. If it's not black then it's white, if it's not white then it's black -it's as simple as that.

Rainbow: The things I can't explain but you can feel it and its happening somehow. Like the faith I have in God and everything else that you can only sense.

Dream: Eerrrmmm...... Low profile, don't know him...just kidding ;p I think... I think he's like another comfort zone of mine? He usually saves me from myself....by appearing in my dreams.

.........

Now, here's the thing... the problem I had back then.. that re-occuring problem I freaking have, is coming back again. I'm confused again in what I want to do with my life. Boredom will eat me up again eventually...
Back then, whenever I feel sad, bad, confused, empty or I can't even explain -that there's no words to describe the feeling... It's when I dream of that person which I called Dream because I'm not good at naming things^^;

First re-occuring theme: We're running away or escaping from people/things that chasing us.

Second re-occuring theme: Some people under him helping me, with Dream afar.

Third re-occuring theme: Dream is always late or not there at all. Then, there's a person (new OC? lol) and he's like the first one to be somewhat by my side or he's just there=_=...with or then? a woman will be there with him/them (with Dream)/us (-dunno if I'm part of the group).

Fourth re-occuring theme: Dream holding my hands and we're walking on a pathway... This dream always happen whenever I feel bad..empty or giving up on something. I feel comforted somehow but then I always drew away since I know that he's a stranger and all. I guess even in dreams I'm still not good with strangers. But he will continue to accompany me anyway. And I know I feel grateful even if it's just a dream, because it's somehow calmed me or made me happy. Becuase I thought that he's the only one who can see my feelings even without words.

I don't like that I feel grateful to a thing that doesn't exist. I don't like the fact that sometimes I want to see him in my dreams. I haven't even heard his voice! There was this time that I can't see his whole face only his mouth unable to utter his words. There's no voice or sound coming out of his mouth. I don't know his face. When I see him, he always have a new appearance -weird that I can say that he's the same person/thing. And I don't talk to him also 0_0 Why haven't I said such a thing? Even though he's always there beside me? Oh yeah, because he's a stranger =_=. I'm awfully quiet, noh? To things that I don't know that is. If he's forever mute then, I'll be forever blind.....hmmm maybe I'm deaf as well? lol.

But I planned on saying something to him anyway. But all I said was: "Go buy some cracker!" -angrily, lol. Becuase he hit a dog! >_< But he hit it because the dog was biting my hand. - While we were walking the pathway I had said before, we saw a small dog (weird looking =_=). I left him behind and ran towards the dog. I sat so that I can give him a pat on the head. But the cute-weird dog bit me '_' And then, he hit the dog and the dog went flying hitting the wall. I was mad because it's a dog, man! >_<. I ran towards the dog again and examined him. The dog was like crying and so I shouted him those words... yeah, buy the poor dog a cracker =.=; (why on earth did I thought that food can make the dog well?) And he went buying a cracker, lol. In the end, we were both feeding the dog. That was the last time I dreamed of Dream. It ended stupid like that =_=.

I wanted to say "thank you" for all the things you'd done. To the things you did without expecting something in return and even though I always turn him away. To the things that gave me good effect in the real world. Becuase you're a part that made me like this. You're one of the things that made me out of my comfort zone and finally have to walk around the outside world. But then again...you're one of the things I want to destroy...

Since I decided to not look at the things that doesn't involve my real world - those things that I don't currently have.... Dream never showed.

It's then, Rainbow is a blur.
Dream was destroyed by reality.
And Monochrome walks alone....

But yesterday...that afternoon... I wanted to see him. I BADLY want to see him. So bad that it made me cry. I even went to the CR just to wipe my teary eyes. I was in the time that I was confused again (but I already have an answer to that confusion). Though, I dunno why I thought of him, I think I miss him 0_0 -what on earth??? And it's his fault why I wasn't able to sleep much last night even though I have to wake up reeeeaaally early like, 3am =.=.

I don't want to believe that these things are happening to me. Darn, what's wrong with me? Why did I thought of that thing? why now???