The End

*copy-pasted form my wordpress blog*


Last Tuesday, I decided to kill my self with work since I wanna bury myself of something else rather than burying myself with thoughts that I can't answer. But then, we had to rush everything and finish all of it before lunch so the plan of killing myself didn't work and what was more was that it was ended so soon! Really, whenever I'm thinking of something silly the situation or flow of events will suddenly turn against it, and then I will be saved from my awful self. I know that this is God's doing -that He always saves me and gives me guidance. Then after realizing this, I sometimes put a silly smile of relief on my face and think of Him. But you see, sometimes I can be pretty stubborn.

I tried to tell my trusted friend a problem I had but for what ever reason, we can't have a good conversation about it. And I find it sad that I'm going to blog about it instead.
So, the problem is this: I have a friend who fell in love with a type of guy I hate. My friend fell for him because he acts like a boyfriend -or, half-boyfriend, rather. Because he's so sweet in his text messages for her and he even text everything what is happening in his day of life and meddle with her day of life like, asking her where she is, who she's with etc. -what a normal friend wouldn't do. To me and to us (me and my friend and everyone she asked opinion of), this is more than a friend thing. And when he buy stuff or go to the mall, he would invite her or "ask her out" even if the reason is buying a gift for the girl she likes. Then my friend would go.... This thing is already a "date", right?

My friend confessed her feelings for him and of course he said that she's just a friend. My friend understands that a lot but he wouldn't stop of what he's doing. Why? And my friend would just go along with it. I felt a bit mad to my friend because of this. Don't he realize that he is causing her pain? He is so selfish for just satisfying what he wants and not think of what she'll feel. I HATE YOU AND THE LIKES OF YOU. And to think that we showed you kindness when you have a problem. SCREW YOU! I hope you find your lesson in a hard way. I'm pretty sure that when the girl you like (if you still like her) finds this out she will have a different point of view for you.

For all this kind of persons (boys or girls); really, what do you think of your selves? SPECIAL? Be more responsible for crying out loud.

Now this is my problem. When I see things I don't like I hate it to the bottom of my heart, even hating other people who are like them. There are times that I wanna do or say things to those kinds of people that would kill something from them. There are times that sometimes when I see that hermaphrodite's face I wanna punch it.

This is my problem and I wanna solve it. But I really don't know. I really want this to tell to my friends  but it seems like that there's no time or right time for saying my problem. Maybe this is a one kind that even friends can't help you with. I don't wanna hate to this point anymore.

That's why, till I can say this, even to this blog, I'll say sorry. Sorry that I felt hatred to you and to the likes of you.

Sometimes, I want to put myself in everything I hate and just digest the sight of those. And worst; sometimes, I want to do the things that a person I hate does... that's becoming a person I hate which happened to me a long time ago -that took me so much time to forgive my self. So that... so that I would understand something that I don't understand -something I hate. So that, I wouldn't hate this much. So that, I wouldn't judge anything.

I hate myself for judging people. Yes, I gotta admit this to myself so that I can cure this. That, though I ignore things I observe, I still leave something in my mind -things that judge them. So, this will be one of my solutions.

There are things that I will be now:
- I will stop expecting something in return for the kindness and other things you showed for the people you care. I will stop expecting something from friends. I've been hurt by some of them recently because I felt that I was nobody.

- I will kill the hope of meeting someone like me. I always thought that if I could meet someone who's just like me then I wouldn't feel alone. Because we will have some common thoughts that I think I only have. That we will have same principals in life... But like I always say; there's no one like yourself.

I dunno if this are good decisions but I feel like my ghost has finally catch up on me, and I embraced her with open arms.

I don't like the thought that I'm blogging this things right now rather than telling these to someone you trust. It's silly, that sometimes I think that He wanted me to blog things (or say it out loud online) that who would care? If only God can reply or email me answers... Sorry that I find hard to see your replies to me since I think that you need to have an open heart for you the hear His words. I'm sorry that I find it hard to trust things that can't be explained by logic. I always feel that I'm chasing something I don't know, that it is the reason for not giving up to my ghost and zombies who are chasing me. Sorry that I fail you, Father.

This will be my last entry for something this personal. If things became unbearable to me then I might blog it to my super-secret-but-not blogspot. -My closed box. Yeah, I'll just use my wordpress blog to something else.

This will be the last.
This is the end of my hope (I'm tired, I give up).

This is the end of me.

Goodbye.