The Zombie in Me

I had a dream that I was being chased by zombies. So I ran and ran and ran. I thought that I had lost them but when I was to take a step, (I was in a room) a zombie bit my toe -yeah, darn it. Then I realized that I was stepping on a pile(?) of zombie or was it just a zombie? I forgot it now but I was stepping on the face of the one that bit me. Of course I ran away... But I wasn't scared, I don't know why. I know I'm going to turn into a zombie sooner or later in my dream, and I was so curious..or excited maybe? so weird. But before that happened, I woke up.

One day, I had nothing to do but I was still bothered by that dream so I look the meaning of that dream in a dream dictionary online. I can't actually give my trust in these kind of things but this had me thinking..

via http://dreammoods.com

Undead
To dream that you are undead, represents your inability to express yourself. You are feeling disconnected with others. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you have relapsed back to your old habits and ways.?

To dream that you are undead, represents your inability to express yourself. You are feeling disconnected with others. Alternatively, it suggests that you have reverted back to your old habits and ways.

Zombie
To see or dream that you are a zombie, suggests that you are physically and/or emotionally detached from people and situations that are currently surrounding you. You are feeling out of touch. Alternatively, a zombie means that you are feeling dead inside. You are just going through the motions of daily living.

To dream that you are attacked by zombies, indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered.

Running
To dream that you are running away from someone, indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.?
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Then I immediately remembered her, my old self. She was so dead and so mad and so confused and chose to be alone. She forgot about friends, family and God. She looks down on people that she sees as weak, dirty, imperfect, because she see herself as so high. Tch, she is an idiot >_>

I know that sometimes she is catching on me. I tried so hard to be not like her and change her and to just discard her but then I thought that I need a part of her for protection. I need some of her to shield my self. But I will not be like that anymore since now, I'm aware of being her and that I'm aware of her! Since now, that I had gained so much trust and faith in God that had showed so much love to me -that had showed so much love to that girl. He still loved me when I was undead and never left me. He proved that the word "forever" and "eternal" exist to Him.

So, I will take Him as my protection and sheild. Yes, I do not need that girl.

There's no such thing...

So now, I finally admitted to myself that "I'm a person that is afraid of doing anything bcoz i'm afraid to get hurt and to hurt somebody." and so, I always distance myself.

I watched and observed the world I'm in and shielded myself from it and set the things that I don't wanna be. I had perfectly set those things to me and took so much pride in myself, which is bad, coz pride is a bad thing...hmm, it's one of the 7 deadly sins right? I use "self-respect" now instead, hehe, and try not to cross the boundery of it which i think, pride, is next to it.

Then, I wanted my ideal world...

A friend of mine asked me if I'm afraid of attachment or something, and I answered "I think :(" but now, my answer is "yes I am". I also told her that I'm afraid of those things that are not to last "forever" which, I also said, that it does not exist. I opened a slight of my mind to her, which I think, just annoyed her, haha. -One of the reasons that I don't wanna open up, I'm afraid that I might annoyed, burdened the person I'm opening up to and then, in the end, they might just get tired of me. -tch, me, afraid -_-. But I know to myself that sometimes, eventhough I know the things that are right, know the things that I must do, I still need someone else to say those things to me. *Sigh*, why do I need someone to slap me?

Of course, I know, I'm still weak...

My ideal world does not exist. There's no such thing. I have to take the pain, I have to get hurt and might hurt somebody. How can I be this strong when I decided to myself to just runaway? How can I undecide that when I'm like this?

I'm still weak so I hate myself

*edit:
I read a blog I made last year (Random Thoughts) and there I said that I'm not afraid anymore in this kind of crap, so now I went back to being this crap again? I don't want history to repeats itself. If it's going to repeat then this time I won't lose.

What's up with "Hei"?

First, Hei is a name I got from lot's a lot's of my anime crushes, haha XD. It's actually Heita Yagui; it's from anime characters' names that's why it's sounded like that. At that time I was dead inlove with Hisashi Mitsui of Slamdunk, haha. I was High School, 2nd year I think. When I became 3rd year, that's the time when we move to Parañaque. Moving to Parañaque was the best thing that happened in my life in those days...

I grew up in the City of Malabon (we were there since it was a munincipal). When I was a kid I was like an empty box^^; I think I grew up not caring that much, haha. It was like ok back then but when I became a 2nd year I grew really, really bored even though I have friends... I was having a thinking of my friends there only see me when they need something from me or that they easily forget me, or doesn't really care about me. Maybe, that time I was beginning to break... oh you know the emo stage of your kids. But I really think that I was taken for granted.

The real enemy of mine back then was the damn BOREDOM! I dunno why I was so freakin' bored. I even sometimes wish to have an earthquake so that the day wouldn't be so boring... I think I wasn't smiling for a very loooong time. Then one day, my papa told us that we might move due to his work, because he work in Parañaque back then. It's somewhere in MMS and we live in MMN that's why he's always so late -_-. I don't really know how to response (or maybe, I forgot to feel, haha) but I think I was glad. I realized that I wanted to go!

And then, we moved. We left that place for good without saying goodbye to my friends there. They didn't even know that we were planning to move, so, by the start of the school year, they were shock when they found out that we (my twin sis and I) were not gonna join them... I didn't really care how they feel or felt, I just wanna go away for a change of pace. But I know that I have real friends there it's just that I didn't feel it. But the time came that I realized that it was I, who took them for granted. I think I was blinded by my boredom. My boredom back then was a mystery for me. I wanted something more in my life.

Third Year High School. I want it to be the beginning of a new life. At first I was pissed because back in Malabon we were in a Special Science Class (DOST section) and I really don't wanna mess my school record. Back then, I was really focused and holding in my studies, nothing's more important. I even said to my mama that if I'm not in a DOST section I won't study anymore! Haha, but of course I couldn't do that so I didn't. But then, I was thankful that I was in my section; SOF-2 (School of the Future- *I know it sucks) becuase there, I met real friends. I met people that who wanted me and I wanted them to be with. It's also a special section but not that high of the Special Science Class I was in before. But I wasn't bored there >;)

It was then that avatars were opened again^^. We were a group of artist- er, mostly artist that were so twisted XD. So, from Heita Yagui, I changed it to Hei so that it wouldn't sound so culture biased. I like anime and mangga but I'm not in to Japanese culture like the schoolmate of mine from there. But I think their history is cool ;).

I knew then that "hei" wasn't just a nickname. I wanted to have my own personality because when I was a kid I just watched and observed things. When someone asked me about this or that or about her or him I can answer them by my observations but when someone asked me what I like(I forgot what the question was but it was about a material thing)... I just couldn't answer because I DON'T KNOW! I don't know what my real favorite color was, what do I prefer the most, blah, blah, blah... I just felt so stupid. I thought it wasn't a big deal but it happened that everytime I get a question about me, I just can't say a word... I know it wasn't normal. But when I was there, when I was in Advent (the name of our group) I just felt so alive. I was known!

So, I decided to become Hei, the self that I found. If only I could change my real name to Hei then, I would do. I sometimes forgot what my real name was. My friend said that she forgets what my real name is. I was then, HAPPY! Glad, that I have buried my empty self...So I thought...

The time came that I found out that Hei was just my comfort zone. It was my running place. Was my protection to the harsh world. I couldn't accept what I was; weak, lonely, empty... My self("R") was somewhere there... was somewhere here waiting to be accepted and strengthen on! She needs strength, she needs somebody for help. She needed me. It took me so much time before I understood. I say thank you to Hei for all the help. I now prefer to be called by my real name, for Hei and "R" are one :)

*what is "inside the box"? see here...*

Random Thoughts

it's true that i have a favor of preventing myself from getting hurt, but i guess, pain is inevitable.
is this cowardness, then? maybe sometimes it is being wise but sometimes it is cowardness...
maybe, sometimes, it is wise if we try to take the pain from the frontline of the battlefield.

I played Final Fantasy Dissidia and the story mode of the Onion Knight character hitted me. I kinda saw myself in him....
Tch..! So, I was being childish and immature all this time.

I found out that I'm still mad and angry of myself because of my past. I still have anger inside... But, then on, I said to my self that I'm not afraid to take any pain; then on, I realized that I'm not afraid anymore!


*what is "inside the box"? see here...*

My Trip to Singapore (part3)

The Song of The Sea, Sentosa
I love Arts! X3 . Whether it may be design/illustrations or literature - so, Song Of the Sea is a peice of art :love:. I just thought that the princess will materialize in a hardcopy or something -.-;

Ah, Sentosa, the free beach, I mean, it's where the merlion reside ;D
It was hot but absolutely fun. I think my kid cousins really enjoyed it ;) Nice environment, clean beach (although artificial), good for destressing ;)

The Goodbyes

After 2 weeks of my stay, I had a lot of fun and I learned a lot, really! I learned something in myself and it made my horizon broader so that I may have a better view of what I would like to have for my future :)


I was packing my things (again) and checking if I had missed something... I was sure I had it all packed!~;). Timing, that my tita's family will be moving so they were packing too. I was asked to stay a little longer so that I can help in their packing, haha ;p. Anyway, it was time for me to go....

Before I left their home, before I went out through their chimed door- I should've said goodbye properly. I should have look at them and kiss my cousins on their cheeks. Von was asleep, so he didn't know that I was going. When we were walking to the highway when my grandma told me that Von was always checking on me in my room (Den and I share a room^^) when he woke up in the morning.... Sh**t! Now, when I heard that, I really, really wanna go back to the elevator go back to their home so that I could kiss them goodbye... I really sucks at goodbyes; My friends will just find out the next thing that I won't be around - sometimes for days, sometimes for good... I thought I told myself to say goodbyes properly... Anyway, next time, maybe?


*what is "inside the box"? see here...*